That's What I've said...

Days go by and in my heart...
I miss him.

Yes, I know I'm the careless, callous ex-girlfriend
Who spends her time with another man
Who broke a heart so true and fragile
And dint bat an eyelash... just carried on with life.
*sigh* I guess this shouldn't warrant sarcasm, right?
But here it is, all the same.

He doesn't know that I'm still hurting
That I've cried at, often, unexpected moments
That my thoughts still haunt me from a distance
...That tears are flowing, even as I type this.

I wonder at his silence, but don't press it
Has he found another to impress yet?
Has he become so busy that a text
Has just become a burden or trifle?
I merely speculate about our lives and strife now.

It's hard for him to fathom, but I still worry...
Was my only real friend for so long, can you blame me?
I wish to text him just to make sure he's okay...
I wish to hear from him, but then think to belay...
Perhaps this silence is a way of moving on?
Perhaps this distance means he's found a better way...
Perhaps this lack of reaching out means he needs time.
I pray that his sweet heart is growing stronger with each day.

The next morning I surely wonder at his resolve
Not one text or call and yet he thrives, I think...
Maybe he's finally found anew a friend to love.
Maybe I was too content to call him 'mine' --even just as friend.
And now he's moved on without so much as a "so long!".

I think to text, but wonder if it will do more harm
He's said he wants a friend, but did he suddenly change his mind?
If he wanted to speak to me, wouldn't he have called?
We were never ones to play these games of mind...
What reason should I think that he's holding out ...and wasting time?

I scan facebook, blog and e-mail for a sign...
Surely he will contact if he needs me...
My anxious heart sighs and then waits with renewed resign.
It was I who split this connection recently...
Why, then, should I burden him with a reminder of me?
Is he trying to forget that I'm here?
Trying to move on in my absence?
I don't want to pursue contact if he's healing...
I don't want to undo progress if he's dealing.
Forgive my ignorance, but I can only speculate with delicacy...
Not like I've done this before or understand the intricacies.
I only hope for the best and expect that anything less would yield an e-mail at least.

I spoke of him this morning with fondness
Recalled our friendship with a tear or two
I wondered at his lack of contact recently...
I felt reassured that he must be moving on anew.

I looked again, with quiet surprise, at his lack of contact...
Text messages working fine, but not one to me...
No facebook message, post or e-mail; so I think at last...
That this is a sign of moving on, growth and ...maturity?

Then I see he's written a blog post and my heart is light
Some small sign that he's okay and doing alright?
I see hidden posts and uncover them with ease...
My heart sinks to see he's directing them at me.
These words reveal that which I feared the most.
Angry, hurt and stinging of bitterness and loss...
I know these words of pain have been built up over days...
My grief at seeing my best friend in such a state
Is increased with each snide and light remark...
Each indictment sends a piercing through my heart.

Surely he knew I would see this...
Surely he wanted me to know...
I'm glad that I can see it for what it is...
But why would he choose these words
With such intent to leave a blow?

I don't think of him as nuisance or a bother...
I'm not moving on as easily as he portrays...
I think to call immediately, but don't even know how to begin to respond.
I think to message him, but consider my currently defensive heart...
I long to speak, but not to injure any further...
I, then, think to share my thoughts and heart with written word.

So here it is, my heart on paper once again...
I think you are now accustomed to this method.
Poetic license lends to free expression.
I write not to hurt, but to lessen this enigma...
To unravel the reasoning behind these days of silence --and their stigma.
I do not try to rationalize or justify, but simply to let you know....
I do not attempt to brush you off or throw aside all that we've built.
If I'd known we were playing a game of "who will contact whom first", I would have won...
Had I known the rules of this game, I would have played effectively and well...
I would have contacted you to free your mind from this tirade.
I would have broken down this growing wall, this useless barricade.
I'm not trying to make this harder than it is --or be a friend who is untrue...
I simply wish for you to remember who I am... to know that what I've said is right...
To consider what I've done... and to see, once more, that this is what I do.

Another day... my heart relayed... no time to play...
And all that should be said, that's what I've said.

My dear friend, you have good reason to doubt me,
But I hope you will remember... that even now...

I 
still 
love you, 
sillyhead.

Alone

Again.

Strength Which God Supplies

Inspiring, to say the least :-)

God, You are greater than all of me.

Teach me... Guide me... I'm lost without You.

Reach me... Try me... make me more like You.

"O, how I want to make sure that the image in your mind of how to glorify God is not wrong. For many it's like waking up in the morning, looking up to God and saying, "You are worthy to be glorified today, Lord, and I will do my best." Then they look over and on their Bible is a big block of lead with shoulder straps. And on the block is inscribed: "The duty to glorify God all day." They strap it on, muster their strength and resolve, and head off to glorify God.

If that image, or one like it, is the way you feel about glorifying God, please look and see that 1 Peter 4:11 shatters such an image. May I suggest a more biblical image? There is a man, and I know him well (he is the husband of my wife and father to my sons), who wakes up in the morning and looks up into heaven and says, "You are worthy to be glorified today, Lord, but there is in me—that is in my flesh—no good thing. I have no strength, no wisdom, no resolve to do good but what comes undeserved from you, O God. And I love you. It would be to my greatest fulfillment, my highest pleasure, my richest treasure, my popcorn and my chocolate ice cream if at the end of this day I could believe that someone has come to cherish your power and wisdom and love more intensely because of me. God, let it be."

And then he looks over and on his Bible there is this strange contraption of straps like a harness. And on the back of this harness there is a rope attached that runs up through the roof and into heaven. And he gets up, straps on the harness, gives a little jerk, leans into it, and God supports him all day. On the broad, brown leather strap across the front you can see the lettering: "My harness is easy and my burden is light."

God gets glory not from our heroic exertion but from our reliance upon his strength—when we serve as one who serves with the strength which God supplies.

God's will himself to glorify
Is not a weight
to make us sigh
For it is wings
to make us fly."

Taken from: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/how-to-do-good-so-that-god-gets-the-glory

Dedicated

To a sister that I thought I once knew...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7m19NznH0QE

so off track...

What is wrong with me? :-/

Alone.

...how long, Lord?

Quotable

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” ~C. S. Lewis