...I write these words because they are not of me...
but I WANT them to be part of me...
I want my heart to crave these thoughts... I want to thirst for You, and You alone. I want my mind to be characterized by a thought-life permeated by Your presence... I want my heart to be represented by a yearning to be close to YOU...
How far, I am, Lord... but Jesus, You know... You see all --You see my heart and each motivation... You see every ounce of my heart and mind that is NOT living for You. You see every idol that has taken Your holy, exclusive place in my heart : ( ... it saddens me, Jesus... I want to want You. Not JUST to want You --but to desire You MORE than ANYthing in this life... more than anyONE...
But it's hard for me, Lord... Not just because I am a fallen, wretched, unworthy creature --but because my mind --my memory-- is just as depraved... I forget, Lord... I forget our beautiful love story... I forget that You, alone, have brought me here. I forget the peace of Your constant presence.
I forget...
So i ask You, Jesus, to remind me... to be an ever present thought in my mind... If I draw near to You, then You will draw near to me --that is what Your precious Word promises :-) ...Lord, help me to draw near to You --lest I forget HOW to do so... Help me to want You when my flesh cries out for other gods. Teach me, again, to yearn for You alone when my mind wanders and reaches out its hands for other securities and comforts.
This world has nothing to offer me... it's perishing... it's hungry and empty... but with You, i shall never thirst --i shall never hunger... only YOU truly satisfy. This world deceives... it tries to tell me that it has the key to fulfillment --that earthly treasures will last forever... that there is nothing worth the price of denying my flesh.
Remind me of how glorious You are --above all else, You alone are beautiful. And anything "beautiful" in me is merely a result of Your undeserved presence in my heart. They say I'm beautiful --but the outward does not comprise this beauty... and my inward self does not hold the capacity for such beauty. I, myself, am repulsed by my inward self --by my own heart and its ability to stray and run after false gods so easily. It's so easily enticed by the ugliness of this world. I'm disgusted by how quickly it forgets You --YOU... My Reason for living. Lord, I know: There is nothing beautiful in me --except for Your Spirit, Jesus. Only the work that You are accomplishing in me... only when my heart looks more and more like Yours --then people see a difference... they see YOU more clearly.
And for this, my heart rejoices... Only YOU are worthy of such praise, dear and precious Lord. I am beautiful ONLY when You grant me Your exclusive beauty --as it shines through in the way that You intended. It is because of what YOU have made me... what You have given me... Guilt is not my master... Shame is not my shackles... You have cleansed me --You have made me Yours... You have paid the price... I don't deserve Your favor or Your loving kindness, but You bestow it... and with such abundance that it overflows! You shower me with grace and bathe me in Your love... My response....... precious Lord, what else can it be? I adore You, Jesus... and I want more of You... I want You closer --even closer, Jesus. Indeed You are near... You never left me... When I feel distance between us I know that it is I that has abandoned our love story... not You, Father --never "You". You will never leave me... You never forsake me... but You call me to forsake my old ways --to take on a new name and a new nature --as Your own child... as a Princess in the kingdom of the King of Kings... "walk in a manner that is worthy of your calling" <--isn't that what Your Word tells me? You restore me and draw me to Yourself, Lord --but how prideful... how wretched I am to wander from You. Teach me to look for Your hand. Teach me to look for Your face in all things... Teach me to reflect Your heart --for people... for this world... Teach me to cultivate a hatred for the things that You hate --show me how to Love all that You love... give me a passion for Your purposes.
What does Your heart ache for, Lord? Let my heart ache too... what brings a smile to Your face, Jesus? Let my heart rejoice at such things... You are the only thing worth living (and worth dying) for...
Thank You...
....for reminding me... :-)
Jess' Recommended Playlist ^_^ :
Only True God - Paul Baloche
By Your Side - Tenth Avenue North
Cannons - Phil Wickham
God of Wonders - Third Day
You're Beautiful - Phil Wickham
Stronger - Hillsong United
Wholly Yours - David Crowder Band
