Shall I Attempt to Speak?

Mission: Obliternihilation.

The enemy: Pride.

The antecdote: Worship

Acheived by: A thought-life focused on...
who God is (His attributes and characteristics, etc)
what He's done (His interactions with ppl, promises given, salvation, eternal life, etc)
how He's at work in the 'here and now' (ways in which His faithfulness is seen day-to-day, the sanctification taking place in one's life, the effect of His promises on the believer's life today, etc).

Most valuable resources: The Gospels, Psalms, Job ch. 38-40, Paul's letters

Expected outcome: Santification - growth and repair. :)



Excerpts from JOB

ch 10 - 1"I loathe my life;I will give free utterance to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul.2I will say to God, Do not condemn me; let me know why you contend against me.3 Does it seem good to you to oppress, to despise the work of your hands and favor the designs of the wicked?4Have you eyes of flesh? Do you see as man sees?5Are your days as the days of man, or your years as a man’s years,6that you seek out my iniquity and search for my sin,7although you know that I am not guilty, and there is none to deliver out of your hand?8 Your hands fashioned and made me, and now you have destroyed me altogether.9Remember that you have made me like clay; and will you return me to the dust?

ch 13 - 3But I would speak to the Almighty, and I desire to argue my case with God.

ch 38 - 1Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind and said: 2"Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge? 3 Dress for action like a man; I will question you, and you make it known to me.
4"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding.5Who determined its measurements—surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it?6On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone,7when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy?
8"Or who shut in the sea with doors when it burst out from the womb,9when I made clouds its garment and thick darkness its swaddling band, 10and prescribed limits for it and set bars and doors,11and said, 'Thus far shall you come, and no farther, and here shall your proud waves be stayed'?
12"Have you commanded the morning since your days began, and caused the dawn to know its place,13that it might take hold of the skirts of the earth, and the wicked be shaken out of it?14It is changed like clay under the seal, and its features stand out like a garment.15From the wicked their light is withheld, and their uplifted arm is broken.
16"Have you entered into the springs of the sea, or walked in the recesses of the deep?17Have the gates of death been revealed to you, or have you seen the gates of deep darkness?18Have you comprehended the expanse of the earth? Declare, if you know all this.
19"Where is the way to the dwelling of light, and where is the place of darkness,20that you may take it to its territory and that you may discern the paths to its home?21You know, for you were born then, and the number of your days is great!
22"Have you entered the storehouses of the snow, or have you seen the storehouses of the hail,23which I have reserved for the time of trouble, for the day of battle and war?24What is the way to the place where the light is distributed, or where the east wind is scattered upon the earth?
25"Who has cleft a channel for the torrents of rain and a way for the thunderbolt,26to bring rain on a land where no man is, on the desert in which there is no man,27to satisfy the waste and desolate land, and to make the ground sprout with grass?
28"Has the rain a father, or who has begotten the drops of dew?29From whose womb did the ice come forth, and who has given birth to the frost of heaven?30The waters become hard like stone, and the face of the deep is frozen.
31"Can you bind the chains of the Pleiades or loose the cords of Orion?32Can you lead forth the Mazzaroth in their season, or can you guide the Bear with its children?33Do you know the ordinances of the heavens? Can you establish their rule on the earth?
34"Can you lift up your voice to the clouds, that a flood of waters may cover you?35Can you send forth lightnings, that they may go and say to you, 'Here we are'?36Who has put wisdom in the inward parts or given understanding to the mind? 37Who can number the clouds by wisdom? Or who can tilt the waterskins of the heavens, 38when the dust runs into a mass and the clods stick fast together?
39"Can you hunt the prey for the lion, or satisfy the appetite of the young lions,40when they crouch in their dens or lie in wait in their thicket?41Who provides for the raven its prey, when its young ones cry to God for help, and wander about for lack of food?

ch 39 - 19"Do you give the horse his might? Do you clothe his neck with a mane?

ch 39 - 26"Is it by your understanding that the hawk soars and spreads his wings toward the south?27Is it at your command that the eagle mounts up and makes his nest on high?

ch 40 - 1And the LORD said to Job: 2"Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty? He who argues with God, let him answer it." 3Then Job answered the LORD and said: 4"Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you? I lay my hand on my mouth.5I have spoken once, and I will not answer; twice, but I will proceed no further."

ch 41 - 9 Behold, the hope of a man is false; he is laid low even at the sight of [leviathin].10No one is so fierce that he dares to stir him up. Who then is he who can stand before me?11 Who has first given to me, that I should repay him? Whatever is under the whole heaven is mine.

ch 42 - 1Then Job answered the LORD and said: 2"I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.3 'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?'Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.4'Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to me.'5I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you;6therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes."


While browsing online, I came across a file recorded with one of my absolute favorite songs... the lyrics are taken directly from these last few chapters of Job and it's inspired and encouraged me at timely moments in unimaginable ways. We would occasionally sing it in chapel at school.... if you'd like to listen, click on the link below and scroll down to find "January 21, 2009" post --press "Click here to play"... it's called "Shall I Attempt to Speak?" <-- aptly named... listen to the lyrics and enjoy! :-)

http://jasonwick.com/page/6


And now she sleeps.... Good night.

~Jess~

"Take this world from me..."

"Spoken For" - MercyMe


Take this world from me
I don't need it anymore
I am finally free
My heart is spoken for

Oh and I praise you
Oh and I worship you...

[CHORUS:]
Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear you say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for

Now I have a peace
I've never known before
I find myself complete
My heart is spoken for

Oh and I praise you
Oh and I worship you...

[CHORUS:]
Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear you say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for

By the power of the cross
You've taken what was lost
And made it fully yours
And I have been redeemed
By you that spoke to me
Now I am spoken for

[CHORUS:]
Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear you say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for
[2X]

Take this world from me
I Don't need it anymore...

http://www.imeem.com/artists/mercy_me/music/TL7w1hki/mercyme-spoken-for/


Awesome song --used to be the steadfast anthem of my heart... it's been a while since I've heard it... great to remember, ain't it? :-)

My One and Only...

"In the morning when I rise
In the morning when I rise
In the morning when I rise
Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus
Give me Jesus You can have all this world
But give me Jesus

And when I am alone
Oh and when I am alone
And when I am alone
Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus
Give me Jesus
You can have all this world
But give me Jesus" ...

Give Me Jesus - Fernando Ortega
http://www.imeem.com/groups/dLvLGjVG/music/fo9kTtvT/fernando-ortega-give-me-jesus/


:-)


Whenever I'm fed up with things... situations... people... circumstances... life... I tend to embrace this song more frequently. The lyrics --so simple... so much like the heart I desire --the mindset that I crave. Nothing else matters... It's all about Jesus...

Tonight. Why the thoughts? I stifle questions and quiet my ponderings... it doesn't matter. I play the song... life makes sense again. I don't need them... I don't need him... I don't need things... Furthermore, I don't even want to desire such... just wanna want Jesus and nothing else --He never disappoints... never lets me down... never bruises my heart... never leaves me empty --never leaves me -period. :-) He's all I want... and guess what --you can have all this world (and every thing and everyone in it)... I've got Jesus. :-D


*she smiles*

Reminiscent Rhyme

"Little Teardrop, Closest Friend"

...The title of a poem I wrote several months ago...

The message: clear.

The objective: achieved.

The source: undisclosed.

The reason for posting: unknown ... :-) other than, I came across it while browsing a file and wanted to give it a chance to glimmer in an environment where it's not merely a silent, solitary soliloquy. The occasion which elicited it, I assure you, is of no extraordinary consequence - it was produced in a moment of pure, undilluted heartache and in a mind cornered by confusion and inner chaos. *yeah, I added a lil artistic flair for theatrics* ;-) Really, though, this post isn't meant to be depressing. It's for me... it's for God... it's for clarity of purpose. And if you happen to be reading along, thanks... it's for you, too.

Little Teardrop, Closest Friend

Teardrop, skipping down my cheek,
What would you say if you could speak…
Would you even dare to share the pain within
That seeps out through your very being, my friend?

What if tears could tell stories of events that produce them?
Would mine write books and novels of the solemn truths then?
Sometimes my mind can’t formulate the thoughts…
Sometimes my fingers can’t type the rhymes…
Sometimes my mouth can’t speak the words
--but my tears are always heard…
My tears bear proof of hurt.

Do you know what these would tell –right here, right now?
What if they could empty all my secrets somehow…?
Then maybe you’d see the depths of all my fears and doubt
And all the pain and hurt would just come spilling out

Little teardrop, closest friend,
You’ve seen me on lonely nights
When I thought my sorrow would have no end
As you rolled onto my pillow and out of sight…
When all were fast asleep in bed
When no one knew of the residing pain
You stayed close by –caressed my head
Even as I wept in vain


You’ve been there when the pain has swelled and rushed
From something crushed, broken, severed
You’ve quieted my aching heart with your warm, gentle touch
--Reminding me that heartache doesn’t last forever

Deep in my chest –no one could see, but you always knew.
You wondered at how often I summoned your presence…
Your solemn concern for each of my wounds…
A trusted confidant, guarding my very essence

Tonight as you trickled off my eyelash
Did you give a second thought about the source?
As you sauntered down my cheek –your familiar path
Did you wish that you could chart a different course?

April 12, 2009
Dedicated To: My sore heart and the tears I’ve shed
Inspired By: *******

PS I want to forget…

...things are looking bright...

Well, it took me about a day or so to shift gears and fully grasp that I'm going to be home for the summer rather than adventurously trotting the globe for the sake of ministry. Yet God is good... things are looking bright and as cheerful as ever once again. :-) All is well... God's in control. *w00t* Now the real question is: What are God's plans for my summer? Currently, there are many other avenues and opportunities to explore both locally and afar... Just gotta stay flexible and open to His leading.

So, if you know me pretty well this isn't much of a news flash hehe... but I have found that I don't handle change well and may be easily disappointed as I have a natural habit of establishing expectations --both of these propensities equal a pretty substantial weakness... yet that weakness is counteracted with a valuable strength... I tend to 'bounce back' fairly quickly and see positive aspects to nearly anything. I guess that's God's grace to me... wow He is so wise and loving like that.

Today, 'rug cleaning' is taking place and there's shopping to be done. Busy day, but I wanted to take a moment to write --rather than leaving my blog dejectedly 'stuck' on that previous, rather somber post.

My grandparents are so much fun --I love them so much. I'm glad I can spend time with them and pitch in around here where I can.

This spring weather is absolutely gorgeous... and, at this moment, it's virtually ideal... sunny, breezy, warm and cool at the same time... I just love to sit on the step of the front porch and look out at the green, luscious yard --delightful blossoms and colorful blooms... the plum tree has a few plums left on it, the grapefruit tree is teeming with citrus --inviting us to share in its bounty, the pomegranate is decked with red blossoms (promising an approaching harvest of crimson fruit), the apple tree is loaded with little green premature apples that haven't found their color yet. The loquats, avacados and mandarin oranges are out of season, but guavas will be arriving fairly soon... I never tire of this place... this perfect green paradise of past memories...

Pleasant and peaceful...

...and the day continues...


Please enjoy yours as well. :-)



*and, in essence --just for the sake of tying in the blog post title (not that it HAS to tie in, but I feel like making it tie in this time)... What's 'looking bright'?.... My abruptly shifted summer plans are looking bright... the newly shampooed carpet is looking bright... this lovely spring weather is looking bright... the yard is looking beautiful and bright... and, consequently, my smile is looking bright too hehe -w00t- 8-) *

Standing in Mud, Stepping on Rock

This picture is probably best captioned by Proverbs 16:9 (NiRV)

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"In your heart you plan your life. But the Lord decides where your steps will take you."

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I took this picture a few years ago... I often picture my life that way. Some may see their life as a highway, but I view mine as a road, clouded by the unknown. I don't see 'start to finish'... I know there is a finish line before me, yet the road that leads me there is undefined. It is enough for me to know that God places that fog there --to allow me to trust Him... to teach me to cling to Him in faith, every step of the way. It's only by His mercy that we cannot navigate this road alone... If we could do it without Him, how empty life would be...

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This lil intro was written long after the rest of this entry... Several hours ago, I wasn't even sure I would be able to write full sentences in my distraught state... Yet the more I write, the more I want to write even more :-) So here it is... This is what drove me to this blog to set my thoughts free on paper...

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Interesting how, these last two weeks, I've felt inwardly compelled to add "Lord willing" at the end of "I'm going to China for five weeks this summer" whenever someone asked me what my plans were for the next three months....

I puzzled at why I had begun to tack on that phrase --I mean, nothing happens apart from the Lord's will, of course, and He called me to join this specific missions trip, hadn't He? Up until that point, I had been confident that nothing could or was going to stop me from going... Not the finances, the fears, the ambiguities or even the uncertainties that characterized our mission. Truthfully, nothing would have, had it been the Lord's will <--- that ONE significant truth manifested in that one little phrase... that one clause that had found its way into my thoughts and my discussions recently.

I can't help but want to smile and cry at the same time...

I slowly read the e-mail, and the realization began to sink in as I re-read it once more... it was like a bad dream that was becoming a reality. How could this happen? How am I going to explain this? What am I going to do now? Why is this occurring, Lord? I just don't understand... <-- thoughts that flooded my mind like a tsunami. I subconciously supressed tears, digesting the implications of the news... in the ensuing moments, I thought of all the "But what about"s.... I considered all that went into everything.... I experienced the penetrating sting... I inwardly cried out to the Lord --what did all this mean for me? I collected my thoughts and began to write an e-mail response. I paused a few times as other realizations popped into my mind... so many questions... my brain was spinning in a whirlpool of wonderings. I wanted to reach out for a hand, a hug, a listening ear. It was never out of my reach to begin with. :-) I didn't say anything... didn't even try to gather my thoughts into coherency. I just 'felt'... I knew that He knew... everything in that moment --every emotion that wouldn't translate to words-- He understood.

I thought about the reasons why I should be disappointed... I experienced the sting of disappointment... it is at that moment that one has a choice to allow 'disappointment' to morph into either 'devastation' or into a profound sense of trust and reliance on God, His plan and His goodness. I oscillated between the two, momentarily --then found my footing, and clinged to the truths which established solid ground....

God is good.

God is faithful.

God is in control.

My foundation wasn't shaken... Though I had found myself standing in what I would consider a 'mud' moment in life, I knew I needed to step onto the rock --it was the only way to hold steadfast through the tempest. I needed to grasp for that rock and hang on.

God gave me grace in that moment. He gives us the grace that we need when we need it. Even now... my mind is dismissing worry and devastation. My God holds every ounce of every situation in His hands... In His sovereign will, He establishes a purpose for it all. It's not that I don't care... it's not that I 'didn't really, really want to go'.... that's definitely not it. It has to do with making a choice to actively lean on truth, trust God, rely on Him.

I find it ironic that earlier on in the day I had written to Byron, concerning the China mission trip plans, "...a new dimension of trust, I s'pose..." And wow. Talk about a whole new level, stage, phase and even plateau of trust :-P God's awesome at doing that in my life, it seems.

*flash back moment* I remember when I was preparing to head off to college after graduating from high school... I had applied, was accepted and was basically set on 'going to college'. However, in all of my discussions with people I would instinctively say, "I'm going to The Master's College in the Fall, Lord willing." And sure enough, I came to find that it was not His will that I attend college in the Fall... in fact, He directed me to take off an entire year... As hard as it was in some aspects to exercise obedience and wait, I knew it was the right thing --it was God's will.

Now here I am again, Lord... back in this place that You love to bring me to... I don't say that sarcastically. I know that, quite literally, it pleases You to see me here... at Your feet, Your 'throne of grace', imploring You for Your abundant grace. I remember this place well... and, as hard as it is each time to be brought to this humbling and heart-molding place of worship and sincere reliance on You, I love it too, Lord. I thank You for this hardship... this opportunity to trust You... even the grace that You have bestowed upon me to trust You and to type this without sorrow or bitterness. You are all powerful --Your plan is perfect, even when I don't understand it. You are good, even when I encounter trials. Use this, even now, to mold my heart into one that shines mightily for You --into a heart of Christlikeness.

Hebrews 4:16 "Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

*sigh*

I am weak.

*smile*

I encounter His strength.

Don't even need to speak...

He sees my heart ache.

Do You mold it, Lord, with great plans in mind?

Do You shape it intending that Your glory will shine?

If I am still

Will you meet me here?

If I don't understand,

Will You teach me to trust?

There is much on my heart

It's heavy, see?

Thank You for carrying this burden with me.

Thank You for your unwavering care

You only give me what I can bear. :-)

Let these words,

Reminiscent be,

Of a heart

That trusts implicitly...

That I may know Your purposes

Rely on Your presence

Understand Your perfect plan

Stand on Your promises

Testify of Your provision

Glorify You with praise

Overflow with a sense of Your power

Dwell in that place of profound peace

Wow... there's so much to this post... I guess I just needed to write :-) My thoughts come out much clearer here... I'm able to sort them out on 'paper' and solidify my ponderings. I could probably write for several more hours without running out of things to type and without getting bored... but it will be 3am very soon and time is calling me to rest these fingers... these eyes... this mind. Time to rest and sleep... There is more to say, much more to relay, but

God

already knows

the rest. :-)

Good night.

~Jess~

I'm sleepy... I should sleep...

I'm typing because I didn't wanna leave my blog sitting lonely and rejected for too long.

Today was greatness...

Good night.

Mud and Moonlight. . .

Ahhh... my first blog post...

I always feel pressure when I start writing in a new diary. As I stare at the crisp, pristine pages of a brand new, beautifully book-bound journal, I can hardly bring myself to press the pencil to the paper. I often feel as if the very first page sets the tone, mood, and nuance for all of the contents that are to follow --which is naturally a big helping of pressure-sauce. :-P So it's little wonder that it's taken me months to even consider typing in this blog, despite the countless times I opened this page and watched the cursor blink patiently on my screen as it gently urged me to overcome my journal-starting qualms. I like to think of it as 'cursor therapy' :-P ...in the most difficult times, that little cursor has reminded me to keep plowing through my seemingly endless research paper or to press on through a tedious book report --if for no other reason than to make it momentarily cease its tireless blinking.

As I begin the metaphorical journey on the road of blog-keeping, my desire is that this blog will be somewhat of a trail mix... containing the various flavors of mood and thought that reflect some of the things that make me 'me'.

The title of this post is purposefully reminiscent of my blog title. I wanted to find a pair of nouns that depicted my feelings about life while giving this blog a fair opportunity to supercede it's usual, writer-imposed limits. In a sense, I want to give it a fighting chance to be as diversely crafted as I am. :-)

Let's see how that goes...


Mud and Moonlight... these two things have little in common, yet I find that life contains both "mud" and "moonlight" moments. It's hard, it's messy (mud) --reminds me of a soldier's plight, marching courageously through rough terrain. Yet life, with God, is also beautiful and wondrous (moonlight) --manifesting a divine romance with a Creator who has never ceased to amaze me. This intriguing paradox highlights many aspects and objects in creation as tangible life-lessons.

This blog, if I succeed, will inevitably draw out both sides of this paradox... I don't have all the answers, but I know the One who does. Currently, my writings are for me... but if you happen to be reading along, and glimpsing my thoughts, feelings and ponderings through my eyes, please remember...

This is life

expressed

to best of my ability...

Enjoy the ride. 8-)