I can't breathe...
My heart sinks...
Denial... betrayal... pain... disbelief.
Blood drains from my face... I can't think, let alone speak.
My heart is pounding, breaking, screaming.
No... this can't be.... NO! THIS CAN'T BE!
How did this happen? Why didn't they listen? Why did she do it? Why didn't I do better??
I am not guiltless... how could I miss this? Why did I wash my hands of it?? Oh Lord, the guilt overwhelms me.
The sting and stench of betrayal sets in. Lies... ever present. Why... God, WHY?? How... Father, HOW??
Tears... trembling...
I cry out to You... what else CAN I do? There is no one else... just me and You. You alone hold the answers. I am senseless... oscillating between pain and numbness. There's nothing I can do... the realization --helplessness-- destroys me... internally, ripping at my heart and will.
I lay my head down... hands still shaking... mind still screaming... scenarios flashing... words and memories... I've been deceived. Though I saw something coming... though I pre-empted something forming... I could not have conceived THIS.
And I cry... and the tears flow... but not for me... but not for me...
How do I reach her, Lord?? She's so far away??
Thoughts are going crazy... questions break down any logic... When I close my eyes, nightmarish visions await me... distant words torment me... written words --they haunt me.
Father, I want to sleep and then wake up to realize this is all a dream... a nightmare... a horrifying hallucination. I want it to be gone... This knowledge... it pierces... it's piercing me to pieces.
I cling to you... hot tears flow down my cheek... I'm crawling, hands and knees, to your throne...
Oh Father.
My soul cries from the depths... I feel as though it will be wrenched from my chest. Sobbing silently. I cling to You... tears form puddles on my pillow...
I cling to You... I need You... I'm falling apart. I don't know where to turn. I don't know who to talk to. Who would understand? Who won't break under the weight of this burden? My parents... They'll be crushed. I can imagine them lamenting as I do... only more so...
The sorrow engulfs me. Helpless. Torn. Abandoned (but not by You, Dear God... not by You). Pain has gripped me without pity... God, Save Me. It's all I can pray.
My words are not coming out tangibly... but my fingers release my thoughts. I can't withstand --You hold my right hand... reminding me that You alone are God.
Where do I start, Lord? How do I move forward... the words are still stabbing at my brain. Oh God... I wish there was a switch to turn it off... to make it relent. What do I do?? What CAN I do?? How do I do it?? I know YOU know...
My bed awaits me --but how can I sleep? I can hardly think... my brain goes numb... the pain throbs through me.
I feel lost.
I reach out to you... I drop my head into my hands and cry... Lord, hold me. I don't know what to do... I don't know who to turn to... I don't know what to say... I don't know how to bear this knowledge. Father, I feel it breaking me... shaking me to my core. I tremble and can't bear the weight anymore. Father, I feel you near me... shouldering this too... Father, I lean more fully that this weight be lift' by You. Father, I feel it crushing... and taking hold of me. Father, I'll cling to you that you may help me rest in Thee.
My prayers come out in rhymes... yet my words stick to my tongue. My tears may now subside, but inside I'm just undone. Lord, deliver me... show me, now, what I must do... I can't do this without Your Word... I can't do this without YOU.
Brothers, sisters --pray for me...
My heart sinks in my chest...
I fear that I'll lay down to sleep, but there, I'll find no rest.
My fingers tremble with fear... Lord, please meet me here. I'm desperate for Your hand... to lead me once again.
I know this trial shall yet mold me... most painful that I have ever seen --yet You prepare me for what lies ahead. Give me grace, Father... grace to cope. Grace to seek You. Grace to hang on... grace to not despair. Grace to close my eyes... grace to hold You tight.
Lord, I need you tonight... always... I need You. But tonight, Lord... I feel an icy grip on my heart... and a chill in my soul... the enemy is at hand... my tears bear witness now. I'm afraid --I shiver to my core. I'm not alone... I'm not alone... Father, make Your presence known. I need You now... I need You NOW. Lord... this is more than I can bear. *tears meet me here... a rendezvous... I need You here... Lord, I need You.
If this trial draws me closer still, I pray that it's through this that I will rise and do Your will. Hold me, Lord... I fear the worst... I fear the future... I fear the hurt. Help me to hold to my sWord and speak Your truth to me.
The enemy is lying... the enemy says he's won...
I know You hold all things, Lord...
so hold me now........
For I'm.....
undone.
