This picture is probably best captioned by Proverbs 16:9 (NiRV)
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"In your heart you plan your life. But the Lord decides where your steps will take you."
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I took this picture a few years ago... I often picture my life that way. Some may see their life as a highway, but I view mine as a road, clouded by the unknown. I don't see 'start to finish'... I know there is a finish line before me, yet the road that leads me there is undefined. It is enough for me to know that God places that fog there --to allow me to trust Him... to teach me to cling to Him in faith, every step of the way. It's only by His mercy that we cannot navigate this road alone... If we could do it without Him, how empty life would be...
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This lil intro was written long after the rest of this entry... Several hours ago, I wasn't even sure I would be able to write full sentences in my distraught state... Yet the more I write, the more I want to write even more :-) So here it is... This is what drove me to this blog to set my thoughts free on paper...
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Interesting how, these last two weeks, I've felt inwardly compelled to add "Lord willing" at the end of "I'm going to China for five weeks this summer" whenever someone asked me what my plans were for the next three months....
I puzzled at why I had begun to tack on that phrase --I mean, nothing happens apart from the Lord's will, of course, and He called me to join this specific missions trip, hadn't He? Up until that point, I had been confident that nothing could or was going to stop me from going... Not the finances, the fears, the ambiguities or even the uncertainties that characterized our mission. Truthfully, nothing would have, had it been the Lord's will <--- that ONE significant truth manifested in that one little phrase... that one clause that had found its way into my thoughts and my discussions recently.
I can't help but want to smile and cry at the same time...
I slowly read the e-mail, and the realization began to sink in as I re-read it once more... it was like a bad dream that was becoming a reality. How could this happen? How am I going to explain this? What am I going to do now? Why is this occurring, Lord? I just don't understand... <-- thoughts that flooded my mind like a tsunami. I subconciously supressed tears, digesting the implications of the news... in the ensuing moments, I thought of all the "But what about"s.... I considered all that went into everything.... I experienced the penetrating sting... I inwardly cried out to the Lord --what did all this mean for me? I collected my thoughts and began to write an e-mail response. I paused a few times as other realizations popped into my mind... so many questions... my brain was spinning in a whirlpool of wonderings. I wanted to reach out for a hand, a hug, a listening ear. It was never out of my reach to begin with. :-) I didn't say anything... didn't even try to gather my thoughts into coherency. I just 'felt'... I knew that He knew... everything in that moment --every emotion that wouldn't translate to words-- He understood.
I thought about the reasons why I should be disappointed... I experienced the sting of disappointment... it is at that moment that one has a choice to allow 'disappointment' to morph into either 'devastation' or into a profound sense of trust and reliance on God, His plan and His goodness. I oscillated between the two, momentarily --then found my footing, and clinged to the truths which established solid ground....
God is good.
God is faithful.
God is in control.
My foundation wasn't shaken... Though I had found myself standing in what I would consider a 'mud' moment in life, I knew I needed to step onto the rock --it was the only way to hold steadfast through the tempest. I needed to grasp for that rock and hang on.
God gave me grace in that moment. He gives us the grace that we need when we need it. Even now... my mind is dismissing worry and devastation. My God holds every ounce of every situation in His hands... In His sovereign will, He establishes a purpose for it all. It's not that I don't care... it's not that I 'didn't really, really want to go'.... that's definitely not it. It has to do with making a choice to actively lean on truth, trust God, rely on Him.
I find it ironic that earlier on in the day I had written to Byron, concerning the China mission trip plans, "...a new dimension of trust, I s'pose..." And wow. Talk about a whole new level, stage, phase and even plateau of trust :-P God's awesome at doing that in my life, it seems.
*flash back moment* I remember when I was preparing to head off to college after graduating from high school... I had applied, was accepted and was basically set on 'going to college'. However, in all of my discussions with people I would instinctively say, "I'm going to The Master's College in the Fall, Lord willing." And sure enough, I came to find that it was not His will that I attend college in the Fall... in fact, He directed me to take off an entire year... As hard as it was in some aspects to exercise obedience and wait, I knew it was the right thing --it was God's will.
Now here I am again, Lord... back in this place that You love to bring me to... I don't say that sarcastically. I know that, quite literally, it pleases You to see me here... at Your feet, Your 'throne of grace', imploring You for Your abundant grace. I remember this place well... and, as hard as it is each time to be brought to this humbling and heart-molding place of worship and sincere reliance on You, I love it too, Lord. I thank You for this hardship... this opportunity to trust You... even the grace that You have bestowed upon me to trust You and to type this without sorrow or bitterness. You are all powerful --Your plan is perfect, even when I don't understand it. You are good, even when I encounter trials. Use this, even now, to mold my heart into one that shines mightily for You --into a heart of Christlikeness.
Hebrews 4:16 "Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
*sigh*
I am weak.
*smile*
I encounter His strength.
Don't even need to speak...
He sees my heart ache.
Do You mold it, Lord, with great plans in mind?
Do You shape it intending that Your glory will shine?
If I am still
Will you meet me here?
If I don't understand,
Will You teach me to trust?
There is much on my heart
It's heavy, see?
Thank You for carrying this burden with me.
Thank You for your unwavering care
You only give me what I can bear. :-)
Let these words,
Reminiscent be,
Of a heart
That trusts implicitly...
That I may know Your purposes
Rely on Your presence
Understand Your perfect plan
Stand on Your promises
Testify of Your provision
Glorify You with praise
Overflow with a sense of Your power
Dwell in that place of profound peace
Wow... there's so much to this post... I guess I just needed to write :-) My thoughts come out much clearer here... I'm able to sort them out on 'paper' and solidify my ponderings. I could probably write for several more hours without running out of things to type and without getting bored... but it will be 3am very soon and time is calling me to rest these fingers... these eyes... this mind. Time to rest and sleep... There is more to say, much more to relay, but
God
already knows
the rest. :-)
Good night.
~Jess~
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